Lost Beauty
by understarryskies
Summary: Tokio Hotel FanFiction in english! Warning: Twincest! If you don't like it, don't read it An accident can cause death but some consequences are worse than death.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

SUMMARY: An accident can cause death but some consequences are worse than death.

CHAPTER ONE

The fans were screaming their names. One by one they walked onto the stage, awed by the masses infront of them. Gustav went first, walking over to sit behind his drums. Georg was next, his bass already around his shoulder. Tom swaggered onto the stage, looping his guitar over his head. The crowds screamed louder. Then Bill walked on stage and the crowd went wild. Fan girls screaming for their icon. He smiled and went to stand behind the microphone. He looked over at his brother and they smiled at each other. They started with Scream, the fans instantly joining in.

Bill danced closer to Tom, singing along to the chorus of Sacred. Bill had written the song for Tom and now he sung it to him as well. Tom gave his brother a caring smile that was returned happily. The smile split into a grin as the song finished. It was time for their big finish. After much discussion they had agreed to finish with Monsoon. Their Grand Finale would be completed with fireworks. Everything was ready.

"Thank you very much for coming," Bill gave his perfect photograph smile. "We have one last song for you." The crowd screamed as loud as they could. As the band reached the last chorus, they braced themselves for the fireworks. The stage-hands didn't disappoint. With a thunderous bang three fireworks went off fantastically. White sparks flew into the air, exploding of to the side of the open-air stage. The crowd loved it.

The band exchanged confused glances. Three fireworks had gone off but they had asked for four. Bill spotted a stage-hand fiddling with something where the fourth firework was. He nodded towards him , pointing him out to his band mates. They came to the last words of the song and Bill couldn't help grinning like a manic at the storming applause they received. They each took a bow, then headed to the stairs at the side of the stage.

Bill was stepping down when the last firework went off, heralded by a loud bang. A white light rocketed out of nowhere, heading straight for Tom, one step down from Bill. The singer gave a scream and threw himself forwards into his brother's back. Suddenly everything went white and Bill collapsed. He felt everything fading into the distance, screams and shouts becoming further and further away. He gratefully gave in to the enveloping darkness.

**§s×e§**

Tom heard the bang and Bill's scream. A solid weight hit him in the back and he fell forward down the short flight of stairs. He hit the ground with a thud. Rolling over, he had just enough time to see the tail of the firework dragging across Bill's face. White lights flashed in Tom's vision then cleared in time for his to see his brother pitch forward. He easily caught the skinny body. With gentle hands he turned Bill over and couldn't stop the scream escaping his lips.

Bill's eyes were gone. They had been replaced with an oozing mass of burnt flesh. Blood was seeping from the wounds, dripping down to color Tom's t-shirt red. Tom just stared at his twin's face, wishing he could see those identical chocolate eyes that shined every time Tom looked at them. Those eyes that could make him do anything Bill wanted with just one look. Those eyes that were now gone.

A hand rested on his shoulder and Tom looked at it, surprised. He had forgotten he was not alone here. He looked up at Georg, the owner of the hand. His lips moved and slowly sound filtered past the cloud of numbness that had wrapped itself around Tom's brain. "Holy shit!" Georg was yelling. "Fuck! Gustav call an ambulance."

Tom looked at Bill's tiny form in his lap as reality finally set in. Bill could be dying. His mind went into overdrive, a thousand thoughts and memories whirred though his head. He couldn't breath. Tom leaned forward, mouth open in a silent scream. He felt the world slipping away and thought maybe he was dying too. He didn't care. Tom couldn't live without Bill by his side. His scream became real, chilling and haunting. Then everything was gone as he fainted.

**§s×e§**

Bill woke slowly, or at least he thought he had woken. He could feel a sharp pain in his head, he could hear mutters and whispers somewhere far away, but he couldn't see anything. The blackness terrified him. He felt as if it was suffocating him, he was dying all alone. His breathing was coming fast, catching in his throat. His hands flailed about as he fought the darkness.

Soft hands grabbed his, gentle but firm. A low voice whispered in his ear, telling him everything was going to be all right. It was Tom. Bill relaxed. If his brother was here then Bill would be safe. The hands gently pushed his arms down and familiar lips brushed against his.

"Tomi?" Bill's voice sounded so small to him. "Tom, what's going on? Where am I? Why is it so dark?" He could feel his breath speeding up again. The hands were back one running up and down his arm, the other resting on his thigh. They stayed there until Bill calmed down and then the hand on his thigh disappeared.

"Bill?" The singer loved the sound of his brother's voice but he could hear a hesitance in it. "What do you remember?" Bill thought back. They had been at a concert. Everything had been going awesome. The fireworks had work- shit… the fireworks. A flash of images rocketed past infront of his eyes. It ended in a blinding flash of white light.

Bill's voice was shaking as badly as he was. "W-where am I?"

"You're in hospital," Bill couldn't help but flinch when his brother's answer confirmed his suspicions.

"No, no, I can't be," Tom tried to interrupt but Bill's mood changed suddenly. "How bad is it? What are my injuries? When will we be touring again?"

Tom could barely talk through the lump in his throat. He had never thought he would have to have this conversation with his brother, but now he did, he didn't think he could. He looked at his twin's face, the white bandage stretched across the place where normally he would see those gorgeous eyes. As if Bill could sense his hesitation, he raised a hand. He moved it through the air until he found the smooth skin of Tom's face. As Bill touched him, Tom felt a strange strength run through him.

"Bill, the firework went straight across your face." He went quiet for a moment. "It… you… they were unable to save your eyesight. You-you're blind." Bill made a sound something between a moan and a scream. He pulled his hand away from Tom's face, clutching at his eyes. He gave a sob as he felt the bandage there.

Tom leaned forward to stroke his brother's face. "No!" Bill pushed his hand away roughly, fumbling a little. "Get out." The words cut like a knife through Tom's skin.

"Don't say that, you don't mean it."

"Yes I do." Tom still didn't move. "GET OUT!" He stood and ran to the door, unable to stand the rejection any longer. As he closed the door he could here pained sobs. The sound of his brother so sad hurt almost as badly as Bill's words did, but he didn't turn around. Georg, Gustav and David were all sitting in the waiting room. They jumped up when they saw Tom run in.

"Where is Bill?"

"Is he alright?"

"Are we allowed to see him?" They surrounded him on all sides. Claustrophobia bit at him, stopping him from breathing. Tom gave a sob and pushed through them, running from everything that meant something to him. He ran for the exit were he thought maybe he could find freedom. The cold air hit him and he breathed it in deeply. He ignored his friends calling him back and ran away into the night.

**§s×e§**

Bill was anxiously pacing the room he was in, occasionally bumping into furniture or whatever it was. It was his last hour in the hospital. Tom was supposed to be coming to take him back to the Tokio Hotel flat. He just hoped his brother would come. No one had seen him since he had run from the hospital to become lost in the night a week ago. Bill could feel the empty hole in him that widen more every minute he spent without his brother by his side.

A single pearly white tear leaked from under his scarred eyelid. Somehow the doctor had managed to save his eyes but not his eyesight. If he ever opened them people would see no color in them at all. The sclera had flowed into his iris and pupil making his entire eye pure white. Georg said that sometimes he could see white clouds swirling and moving in them. His tears, he was told, were the same color as his eyes. Like he cared. He couldn't even see light let alone his own reflection. Bill lifted his hand to his face, letting the pads of his fingers run of the bumps and ridges of the hideous scarring. The doctor had told him the scars would fade over time but Bill couldn't bring himself to feel happy about that. The tear was joined by another. The sound of the door opening and closing behind him made him jump. He quickly wiped the tears away and pulled the white bandage down to hide his eyes as always. He turned to where he thought the door was.

"Hello?" The question in his voice was wary.

"Hello Bill," the low, familiar voice set Bill's heart racing.

"Tom!?" Bill felt the hole inside him fill up again.

"Yeah. Hey I'm sorry I… you know… disappeared." Bill walked towards his brother's voice, hand out-stretched infront of him, feeling for his brother. He felt his fingertips brush against Tom's oversized clothing and felt his heart lift when the other boy didn't pull away.

"You don't need to apologise Tomi. I told you to go away so it was my fault. I was so scared you would hate me if you saw me so useless like I am. I was so scared that you- Do you still love me Tom? Can you possibly still love me when I'm like this?" Bill felt warm arms wrap around him and a sensual mouth press against his. Tom's individual scent enveloped him.

"Of course I still love you Bill. Maybe it will be hard to get used to but I'll find a way." Tom's voice was as comforting as his scent and Bill found himself believing that it was going to be all right. "Come on now, I want to get my baby home." Bill pulled away, heart warming at the nickname Tom used.

"My bag is over there I think," Bill gestured behind him. Gustav and Georg had brought him some stuff from the flat. He stood still and listened to Tom moving around. The sound stopped. "What are you doing?"

"I want to see them," Tom's voice was low and quiet, coming from somewhere infront of Bill. "I want to see your eyes."

"What?" Bill's hand went to the soft bandage. He didn't want his brother to see what he could only imagine ask the hideousness he had become. Tom soft sigh reached his ears.

"I want to see your eyes Bill. You can't hide them forever." A hand came to rest on Bill's face, thumb sliding a little way under the cotton material. The injured boy's hand moved to clutch his brother's, stopping him from lifting the bandage. "Please Bill. At least let me see your eyes, if no one else." Bill still hesitated but eventually let his hand drop to his side. He felt the bandage being pulled off agonizingly slowly and Bill's heart swelled at the care Tom was taking. He felt like the most precious china. He still squeezed his eyes tightly shut as air touched his scars. He hated opening his eyes, only to feel the darkness pressing in on him.

"Oh Billa," Bill could actually hear the unshed tears in Tom's voice. "I'm so sorry. How could I have let this happen?"

"No! It was not your fault. There was no way you could have stopped this. Remember the doctor's said that if the firework had hit you where it was going to, you probably wouldn't have even made it to the hospital. I had to save you Tom. I would rather live forever in darkness with your presence guiding me than see the world but never you alive again." Bill reached out until he found his brother's face and was shocked to find the wetness of tears. Tom never cried where people could see him. Bill flinched as he bitterly realised that Tom still didn't.

"Don't cry Tomi," Bill's voice betrayed none of his thoughts. "I need you to be strong. Please." Tom was still silent but he stroked the scars on Bill's face. His fingertips brushed the injured boy's eyelashes and they fluttered.

"Open your eyes," the quiet request was almost lost in the darkness of Bill's world. He slowly opened his eyes, inwardly screaming and twisting in the pain of seeing nothing but the never-ending darkness. If only he had watched the world more often and marveled in the brilliance of the colors more than once. If only he could see just one more time, the pure beauty of the world and the face of his brother. "They're white."

"The doctors couldn't bring the color back. I'm sorry. I know how much you loved the color of our eyes."

"No, don't be sorry. I think they are beautiful, just as beautiful as before." Bill could hear the sincerity in his brother's voice. "You are just as beautiful as before Bill, in every way." Inwardly Bill knew that wasn't true but he said nothing, wanting Tom to believe the words.

"Can we go now Tomi? I want to go home." Tom's hands left his face and he could hear his brother moving around but he said nothing. "Tom?" The movement stopped.

"I'm sorry, I forgot you won't be able to see me nod anymore." Bill gasped and took at step backwards as a wave of helplessness and unhappiness threatened to engulf him. He heard his brother step forward but he didn't know where he was. He heard to rain lash against the window but he didn't even know there was a window. He heard his brother speak but he couldn't see his face.

Bill's knees felt weak and he collapsed, unable to see where he was falling. Hands were trying to help him but he didn't know who's hands they were. He fell forward, tasting blood but he didn't know whose blood it was. He heard someone scream but he couldn't see why. They were screaming with his voice. He lay on the floor or at least he thought it was the floor. He looked up but was it really up? He knew the lights were on but all he could see was darkness. The darkness that stopped his freedom.

**§s×e§**

Shouts and cries all around. People, or maybe just person, yelling "CLEAR!". A striking pain, spearing his heart. Someone was calling his name but he couldn't hear them. They were fading away.

"Bill! Bill! You have to listen to me. You can't do that. You're going to hurt yourself. Oh fuck! Bill what have you done?" Hands were holding his wrists. They were slipping no though in the liquid he could feel flowing down his arms. He knew that voice, Tom. He couldn't… quite… reach him. The darkness was stopping him.

The clinical smell was gone. It had been replaced with a strangely familiar smell that seemed to linger all round him. Then another, more important smell came to him. He smiled inwardly, recognizing that scent. He could smell his brother, so close. He lifted an arm… but fell into that black-hole of unconsciousness.

**§s×e§**


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER TWO

A bird singing invaded his mind. He groaned and tried to block the annoying sound out. He liked the darkness of sleep, or was it unconsciousness? Where was he anyway? He rolled over and opened his eyes, preparing to death glare the singing bird. Darkness met him and he instantly remembered. Bill closed his eyes again.

The pillow beneath his head and the sheets covering his body comforted him. They were familiar and they were his. Bill's scent lingered on every fold and every crease. Another scent lingered there too. The bird song started again, directing his attention from his nose to his ears. It was coming from his left, meaning a window was there. He strained harder and he could hear the steady chugging of a motor. He smiled inwardly. He was home in his old room.

The door opened quietly and someone walked in. Bill found he could instantly tell who it was by the sound of their footsteps. He almost smiled at his knew ability but the interesting discovery was overshadowed by the reason it existed. A heavy item was placed near his head, where he remembered his bedside table was. The bed dipped as the visitor sat down beside Bill, sighing sorrowfully. The old scent that lingered on Bill's sheets mixed with the identical, but fresh scent, coming from the person.

"I wish you would talk to me," the pain in Tom's voice was achingly obvious. "I mean really speak to me. Speak to me as Bill, the brother I loved, not who you have been lately. I wish you would live again."

"How can I?" A stunned gasp came from the darkness

"Bill? You're awake?"

"How can I Tom? How can you or anyone expect me to live like this? I am blind. I cannot see anything."

"I know Bill but I need you to live, to stay here with me." Desperation edged Tom's voice but Bill wasn't listening. His grief, anger and pain were all pouring out of him now, woven in his words.

"I will never see the sun rise. I will never see the moon set. I will never see the lights glittering on the still water." The poetic words just made it all the more true and painful. "I will never see a cozy house to call my own. I will never see a fire lighting up a grate. I will never see my family or my friend's faces." Bill's voice dropped to a whisper. "I will never again see your beautiful face smiling at me. I will never lose myself in your eyes, ever again." Arms encircled Bill and lips pressed against his hair. He didn't resist but he didn't react either.

"I'm so sorry. This shouldn't be happening to you- I should have done something- should have stopped it." Bill pulled back slightly angry.

"It is and was **not **your fault Tom! How many times do I have to tell you?" No answer was forthcoming. Bill's stomach rumbled suddenly and wondered what the time was. He realised he didn't even know the date. "When is it?"

"8 in the morning."

"No Tom, the date." Bill felt something churn in his stomach. Something was wrong his instincts screamed at him.

Tom sounded hesitant. "It's… uh… it's the 2nd." Bill felt his head spin.

"WHAT!?" He screeched.

"It's the 2nd of April," Bill almost screamed. Tom had come to take him home from the hospital on the 19th of March, a full two weeks ago. He had no memory of the last two weeks, nothing. Now that he thought of it, he couldn't remember what had happened those two weeks ago. A terror settled over Bill's mind. Not remembering two weeks was not normal.

His voice was a lot calmer than he felt. "What happened to the last two weeks Tom? I have no memory of the last two weeks at all." Hands grabbed Bill's and squeezed gently.

"The last two weeks? It was so scary. I was so scared." Tom sounded like he was far away. When he next spoke his voice was clearer, as if he had pulled himself back to the present. "Do you remember the day I came to pick you up?" Bill nodded.

"I don't remember leaving that day though."

"That's probably cause we didn't. You were ready and we were going to leave then something I said caused reality to hit home in you. You just collapsed. The doctors said it was pure shock as you finally realised that you would never see again." Bill felt Tom's grip tighten on his hands. "You pretty much just gave up and stopped breathing. Your mind no longer wanted to live and so your body gave up too. For a full minute you were dead. They had to shock you to bring you back." Bill gasped as Tom's disturbing words triggered a memory that flashed to the forefront of his mind.

"I remember that there were people all round me. Some of them were yelling 'clear'. Then there was a really sharp pain here." Bill gestured to where he thought was his chest. "They were calling my name, but I couldn't reply."

"They managed to bring you back eventually though. They kept you in hospital for a week. It wouldn't have been that long but…" Tom trailed off. Bill felt the hand's gripping his tighten in more. He flexed his hands slightly, gently loosening Tom's grip.

"But what Tom?" He asked and waited patiently for the answer. It took time in coming.

"One day I was going to visit you but I got held up. The nurse who had been changing your bandage and cleaning your wounds had left you and intercepted me before I entered. She was saying you could leave soon when we heard a crash and a thud from your room. Somehow you had found your way out of bed, searched the tray until you found some scissors and you slit your wrists. There was blood… you were unconscious… floor… dead…" Bill found that Tom's voice was starting to fade away, like when he had passed out but this was different. His mind jumped and he pitched into a memory.

i

_He sat perfectly still as the cold metal of the scissors pressed against his head. He could hear the snipping sound of the implement cutting away the bandages covering his hideous wounds. The scars had apparently split again when he had fallen, the same day he had supposed to be getting out. Now he was stuck in the hospital again._

_The scissors moved away from his head, the cotton material following it. He listened to the swish of the nurse's clothes as she turned away and the clink of the scissors being placed on the metal surface of the medical cart. The smell of the normal lotion reached him just before the cold cream was applied to his wounds. The nurse was gentle and careful with him but she was not like that for him. He had learned that although the staff at the hospital seemed nice, they meant nothing more than to do their job. They did not see Bill for who he was, they saw him as a disgustingly scarred teenager or, even simpler, more work. He hated them for thinking that._

_Another cotton bandage was being wrapped around his eyes, another way of hiding his disfigured face from those that did not need the nightmares. He had been in the children's ward for a while, until a parent filed a complaint saying their sick daughter was now having nightmares of black-haired boys with no eyes. So they moved him, carting him round from ward to ward like an unwanted dog. At first he had been furious that they had been so cruel. Now he was just devastated as he realised their reason for moving him was truth; he was hideous._

_Tom told him that wasn't true. He told him that he was still beautiful but he didn't believe his brother. How could he when he couldn't even see for himself? Tom saw him everyday and would stay with him for hours on end. Something in him wanted to bury his scarred face into Tom's chest and never move again. That same Something in him believed every word his brother said. But he wouldn't let the Something take control again. The Something was the weak part of him, the part that would keep him locked away forever. And so he denied the Something its happiness and pushed Tom away, ignoring the tears that fringed his brother's every word._

_Everyday, whenever he was alone, he would take his bandage off and stare helplessly into the darkness of his world, staring at something he couldn't see. Some how he had convinced himself that if he stared long enough just maybe he would be able to see something, anything. He couldn't. He felt nothing without his sight, nothing except pain. He couldn't smile because what was the point in smiling when you couldn't see it returned? He couldn't live because what was the point in living when you can not see what you are living for?_

_Once he would have believed that his body was his freedom. He was able to move around, laugh, dance, sing, hug, smile. His body had been his freedom to experience how amazing the gift of life was. Now that had all changed. No longer was his body his freedom; now it was his prison. Life is like a cell, freedom an illusion. Rules, laws, dictators and morals are the walls of the cell. In a cell you almost go mad except for one thing, the window. That small square keeps you sane. When the sun sets you watch it, when the moon rises you watch it. It is your key to the outside, the way to live. In life you have a window: your eyes. He had lost his sight and so he had lost his window. His body had become his prison walls and it was slowly driving him insane._

_The nurse told him she was going to be right back, she just needed to talk to someone. He heard the door close behind her and grinned maliciously. He was going to change everything today. He was no longer going to be imprisoned. He stood and stumbled towards the cart. He had listened carefully and knew exactly where it was. His hand to where he knew the scissors would be and felt his fingertips brush the cold metal blade. He picked up the sharp implement, ignoring the Something that screamed for Tom. The blade dragged across his skin over and over again and he gasped at the pain. He fell backwards into the cart with a crash, then fell to the ground with a thump, as the loss of blood overwhelmed him. He was cutting himself a window. He was giving himself as much freedom as he could: death. He had one last thought before the darkness rose. 'Tom.'/i_

Bill snapped to the present, his breath coming in short gasps. He was Bill wasn't he? He wasn't that… that thing. "What did I say?" Bill gasped desperately, feeling Tom's hands tighten their grip again. "I went insane, didn't I? The darkness stole my sanity."

Bill waited for Tom's answer. He could feel the tension in his brother's body. Something very wrong had happened and he needed to know what. "You wouldn't talk to me for a very long time after we saved you. I think you blamed me for saving you because they used my blood for a transfusion that saved you. Every time you looked at me an anger flickered in your eyes and it hurt. When you did talk to me, the first thing you said was 'I hate you'. When you came back here we had to watch all the time. The first day you tried to kill yourself."

A memory jumped into Bill's mind, small and fleeting but a memory none the less. Tom holding his wrists, fingers slipping in a liquid. He was telling Bill to stop. "When I was shouting at you to stop something was different. You actually listened to me and for a moment I thought you were back. Then you shouted back at me and I knew you were gone again. For the past two days you calmed down. You barely moved, mainly sleeping here. I used to sit next to you all the time. Yesterday you just suddenly lifted your arm and reached for me then it dropped and you fainted." Bill could remember that too. "Now is the first time you have woken since then."

Bill was silent for a long time. "Something inside me sort of took over. It was like an alter-ego, I think. Anything that I said, anything that I did, that wasn't me doing it. Someone else was doing that." Arms wrapped around him and he was pulled onto a warm lap. Soft kisses were pressed in his long hair.

"Just so long as you're back and okay," Tom's voice was gentle but Bill could hear a strange dreamy edge in it. He mentally shrugged, pushing the thought away, loving the feeling of being back in his brother's arms.

**§s×e§**


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER THREE

Slowly Bill got more used to living without his sight. He still found that everyday was torture and every night was bliss but with his sanity and his brother back, life became bearable, just. He couldn't stop the pain of waking up everyday, expecting to see the sun's rays bathing his twin's face, only to see the continuous darkness of his world. Most mornings he could be found wrapped in his brother's arms, sobbing into his over-sized clothing. Bill knew he needed to move on, get used to the fact that he would never see again, but he couldn't.

He found that as time moved on his other senses became perfectly honed to make up for his lack of sight. He could smell food cooking before anyone else could and he could pick out exactly what food he could smell down to the type of salad dressing. He could tell who each person was just by the sound of their footsteps and not one person had managed to creep up on him yet. When his friends and family talked to him, he would rest a hand on their face or arm and found he could tell their emotions and sometimes even knew when they were lying.

They hadn't yet moved from the Tokio Hotel flat, something Bill was relieved about. He knew the flat and he could find his way round from the map in his memory. He didn't want to go somewhere he didn't know where he would need someone to help him all the time. He still had one person with him at almost all times. He thought maybe they were worried he would go mad again and try and kill himself. He knew that he couldn't say the idea hadn't crossed his mind. It would be so easy to just die and not have to go through the pain but he couldn't leave his brother on his own either. He couldn't leave Tom at all.

Georg and Gustav stayed in the flat as well. They had both been kind and understanding, acting like true friends. He never felt or heard them flinch when they saw the revolting scarring or his white eyes. They never laughed at him when he knocked something over, just quietly helped him pick it up. Bill heart warmed every time he talked to them and found that they would still hang out with him, like old times. It felt good to have his friends around, helping him make living seem more appealing.

His brother was his reason he was living. He was always there when Bill needed him, guiding him about the house or helping him to do small chores. Every now and then he would disappear for an hour or so in his room but he would always come out if Bill needed him, leaping to his brother's side… literally. He seemed to become extra happy to make up for his twin's unhappiness. In the morning Tom would read him snippets from the paper and at night he would curl his body around Bill's tiny frame, protecting him from the world. There was no other time when Bill felt safer than when he was in his brother's arms. Nothing could touch him then.

Bill hadn't met his parents yet. He hadn't wanted to. They had called occasionally but had been told that he was busy. He just didn't think he could deal with the outside world yet. He hadn't talked to David either. He was worried that if he talked to them they would demand that he return to the real world. He wasn't yet ready to talk to the world and he didn't think the world was ready to see him, so hideous. Tom had read the headlines to him: Tokio Hotel Singer In Hospital; Bill Kaulitz Feared Dead; Kaulitz Twins Running To Rehab; Bill Kaulitz Never To Show Face Again. Tom understood that Bill didn't want to talk to the world but he had told his brother he needed to talk to their parents and so that was were the blind teen ended up, waiting for his parents to arrive for dinner.

Bill jumped again as somewhere a car backfired and a hand moved to rest on his arm. "Bill, you need to calm down. I promise you, no one is going to make you face the world until you are ready." Tom's voice was even calmer than normal. "It's just Mom and Gordon we're going to talk to. You have known them for years and they love you. Nothing bad is going to happen and no one is going to force you to do anything, okay? I'm right here." Bill wasn't really listening to the words. He just let Tom's voice wash over him, lapping up every sound as if it might give him some of his brother's calm.

A knock on the door of the flat made Bill jump. He heard his brother sigh at his reaction. Fingers ghosted over his face, just below the cotton bandage he had once again donned, so as not to scare his parents. Tom's thumb ran once across Bill's lips, then disappeared. The door to the room opened and closed. He heard Tom's heavy footsteps receding down the hallway then the creak of the front door opening. Bill caught Tom's muffled grunt of surprise and guessed that Simone had swept him into a hug. Then proper conversation reached him.

"Hi Mom," that was Tom, voice clear now as he must have been released from his mother's death grip hug. "Hey Gordon."

"My Tomi!" Bill smiled inwardly at the sound of his mother's voice. "Oh, look at you. It's been so long since we've seen you."

"Simone, love, let the poor boy breathe," Gordon's low gruff voice gently berated his wife. "Hello Tom. How have you been."

"I'm good."

"And Bill? How is he? What happened? All David said was that there was an accident and that my boy was in hospital. Please tell me he's alright." Bill's heart broke at the care in his mother's voice. He was so scared of showing her what 'her boy' looked like now, blind, hideous and helpless.

"Why hasn't he come to greet us yet?" Gordon's voice held the same care Simone's did. "We've been so worried about him, about both of you."

"We… you… I…" Tom sounded so unsure of himself. Bill wished he could be there to support his brother but instead he was stuck where he was, hopelessly dependant on help. "David was right. There was an accident and Bill was in hospital for two weeks." Bill heard sharp gasps. "He… he was badly injured. He almost died a number of times. He is different now, the damage done by the firework is permanent. What you have to understand is that Bill is still the same person. He is still your son." There was a quiet murmuring and though Bill strained he couldn't pick out what was being said. Then he heard three pairs of footsteps, moving towards him. The door handle turned behind him but he stayed sitting on the couch. He sat very still, facing the front, back straight. The door opened and the footsteps came in. He knew that his hair, still long, black and shaggy, would hide the bandage from behind.

"Bill?" His mother's voice questioning.

"Hello Mom, hello Gordon." One pair of footsteps moved forward and then infront of the couch. The seat beside him dipped as Tom sat down, carefully stroking his brother's hair. Bill placed a hand on Tom's face, meaning to find how he felt, just in time to feel him nod. Two pairs of footsteps came towards the couch then round infront of Bill. The blind teen turned his face towards the sound. There was a silence then Simone gave a small scream.

"BILL?" She screamed, her voice betraying her shock and alarm. "What happened to you." Bill flinched and moved his hand from Tom's face, though not before he felt him grimace. "Why is your face covered?" Bill let Tom replace his hand and took strength from the loving smile he could feel on his brother's face.

"I'm sorry Mom," Bill's voice was quiet.

"No Bill," Tom spoke softly but firmly. "It was i_not/i_ your fault." The blind boy felt Tom turn to their parents. "The firework went off as we were on the stairs. It was coming straight for me. Bill was one step above me and he pushed me to the ground, out of the way. It hit him instead of me. Someone told us later that if he hadn't pushed me out of the way, I probably wouldn't even have made it to hospital. Bill saved my life." Tom's hand stroked against Bill's cheek, fingertips brushing the cotton material of his bandage.

"Can- can we see?" Gordon's voice was hesitant as he asked the obvious question that everyone wanted to avoid. "If that's alright, I mean." Bill turned towards Tom and felt his brother nod reassuringly. He raised his free hand, fumbling about until he felt the edge of the bandage. He stopped, suddenly terrified of the rejection he had already tried to brace himself for.

"I'm not the same, you know that," his voice sounded painfully small and unsure, even to his ears. "I'm hideous now." His hand resting on Tom's cheek moved as his brother shook his head in answer. He felt an inkling of courage return, courage that he so desperately needed. He took a deep breath, gripping the bandage firmer. In one quick motion, before his courage ran out, he pulled the bandage off, feeling cool air caress the scars on his face. He waited for the reaction.

"OH MY GOD!" Simone screamed. Bill crumpled, feeling like he had been slapped. "Your face is… gone. It's- oh my fucking god." He pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms round them and buried his face that disgusted them so much, in his knees. He heard his mother's hurried footsteps run out the room then the front door slammed.

"Get OUT!" Tom shouted and Bill felt him stand up. Gordon started to stay something but Tom cut him off. "Get the fuck out, NOW!" There was silence for a moment, heavy breathing the only sound, then footsteps walked out the door. They continued down the hall then left the flat, a lot quieter than the last pair. The couch dipped as Tom slumped down again, exhaling heavily. His warmth enveloped Bill as his arms wrapped around him. "It's okay Bill." A sudden anger welled up in Bill at those words that everyone said but never meant.

"No it's not Tom," he stood up, reluctantly pulling away from the comfort the embrace provided. "I have become a thing so ugly even my parents won't look at me. I can't even go in public anymore and nothing I can do will change this." He back towards where he knew the door was. "You know what? Maybe what I said in the last two weeks was right." He ignored the gasp and ran towards his room, hot, angry tears welling in his sightless eyes. He managed to get to his room without breaking anything and collapsed on his bed, crying into his pillow.

This was all too much. Every doubt that he would make it through came rushing back into his mind. He was blind, unable to see ever again and useless because of it; he was so ugly his own mother couldn't look at him; he was bringing the hopes and dreams of his band mates crashing down, all because he was… this. All he had was Tom but everyday it seemed that his brother became more and more distant. If other hated him and couldn't love him anymore, what were the chances Tom would. What had he done to deserve this? All he had been trying to do was save someone he loved. Exhausted sobs ripped from his throat as he cried himself to sleep.

**§s×e§**

Bill was on stage singing and dancing. He could hear the band around him. The music was flowing through him. He could feel the bass causing his heart to keep beating. Happiness came from the music, filling him slowly, bubbling over into his singing. His voice became stronger and joyful, echoing his mood. He closed his eyes, savoring the moment, then turned to the side and opened his eyes.

Tom was playing his guitar, his head turned away from Bill. Georg was playing the bass, as always his long, brown hair flicking forward to cover his face. Gustav was hitting the drums with gusto, giving it everything he had. Bill smiled at his friends. He loved his band. Then the smile melted away to leave a horrified expression as he noticed the one thing wrong. Gustav's face was gone. All Bill could see was a dark hole where his friends smirk normally could be found. He spun to Georg and he saw the same horror.

Time slowed and he couldn't seem to turn. He needed to see if Tom looked the same. Finally he turned enough to see his brother but Tom was still facing away from him. Bill screamed his brother's name desperately and Tom turned. Bill felt as if something had punched him in the stomach. All the breath in his body rushed out in a hoarse cry. A black, never-ending hole was staring back at him from where his beloved brother's face once was.

Bill shut his eyes, squeezing them tight until colored stars danced across his vision. Or were they colored? Were they black too? He tried to block the images of his faceless friends from his mind. He opened his eyes again. It was far worse. Blackness everywhere. The Darkness seemed to rise from the ground, eating away at his vision until he had nothing left.

Bill woke violently, jerking up in bed, screaming loudly. His eyes were wide open, searching for the confirmation that his sight was back. The Darkness was still there, pressing down on him like the weight of despair. He gave a choked sob as he remembered that the nightmare was reality.

His mind started to race as he remembered more of the dream. It was real, he was sure of it. It had happened. He racked his brain searching for the memory as tears continued to roll down his cheeks. In a flash he found the memory. It had been a concert in their home town. It had been one of the best. He had been so connected with the music. He replayed the memory. He turned to look a his friends and-. Bill started to shake and moan. They had no faces again. He tried to call Gustav's face in his mind, nothing. Georg, the same. With a shuddering breath he thought of his Tom. The Darkness held its position, taunting him, torturing him. He screamed silently at it as the horrible truth set in. His couldn't even remember the faces of the people who meant the most to him anymore. They were gone.

**§s×e§**


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FOUR

**§s×e§**

Simone lay very still in her bed as if she were trying to be a still as possible to slow her whirling mind. Her son, her boy, her poor little Billy was gone now. She knew she shouldn't be feeling like that and she shouldn't have run from the sight like she did, but she couldn't help it. To be a mother was to love your son that you brought into the world and support him and she had. But now her son was not her song anymore. Now Bill was someone different.

The image of her son floated into her memory. At one point she and Gordon had gone to see Tokio Hotel in concert. Simone had been awed and stunned at how beautiful he had been when he was wrapped up in the music. Bill had told her afterwards that it had been one of their best concerts and he had been so connected with the music. She remembered his, his eyes closed, as he sung the words in his beautiful voice.

Then the image changed. A red, angry scar furled across his closed lids. Another scar and another appeared: One slashed across his cheek; a scar burned over his nose. Each scar was a dull red outlined in the same purple and yellow as a common bruise. But these were not common bruises. He lifted his scarred lids and she was caught in the white orbs that lay underneath. His eyes were like crystal balls, white mists and clouds swirling hypnotically in the enclosed glass. Just like in a crystal ball she could read nothing in his eyes.

Simone let out a sob as the image of her newly reformed son faded from the front of her mind. The white-eyed boy returned to her unconscious mind, ready to leap into her dreams and turn them to nightmares. Nightmare, that was what he was now and she hated herself for thinking it yet knowing it was the truth. She loathed the day she would wake to find the paper headlines screaming "Bill Kaulitz- Deformed forever". Oh, how she hated her mind but her mind only told reality.

**§s×e§**

Bill sat very still in the chair just listening to the sounds of the flats around him. It defiantly wasn't the most interesting thing ever but it was all he would do for hours on end. Tom's footsteps echoed in the corridor and he entered the room. The scrape of a chair being pulled up beside Bill and his brother sat down. The blind boy turned towards him.

"Bill," Tom sounded slightly apprehensive and the raven-haired boy moved a hand to his face. "I know you don't want to go back to the world just yet but you can't stay in here forever." Bill bit his lip, not liking where this was going. "I think you need to come for a walk with me. Just a walk to the dairy to get some milk and bread, nothing else if you don't want to. I'm going out anyway. I've been stuck in here for a while now." Bill thought about it. It wasn't a bad idea and he was sick of being cooped up in here but what if some one noticed them. He voiced his doubts to his brother.

"I don't think we'll be noticed. There is still a small hype but it's not that big anymore. Besides, we'll wear hats and general clothes." Bill had to smile a little at that. It had taken him hours to finally get Tom to buy some clothes that weren't 6 sizes too big. He only ever wore them if they were going out in the public and didn't want to be noticed and now was the perfect time to use them. Reluctantly Bill nodded his agreement.

The door to their apartment opened and Tom carefully led him out. They were fully decked out in normal teenaged clothes and hats big enough to cover most of their face. The scars on Bill's face were starting to fade so he had decided not to wear his bandage he still kept. He held onto Tom's elbow for guidance as the headed for the elevators. Georg and Gustav had already left on 'business' and were going to be back in a couple of hours.

They stepped out of the elevator on the lobby floor. To Bill the air already felt less stuffy compared to the apartment. Various people who also lived in the building called greetings too them and Tom replied. No one really knew the boys were the famous Tokio Hotel twins. Bill and Tom couldn't figure out how they didn't put two and two together and figured that maybe they were just stupid.

The stepped out onto the street and Bill breathed in deeply, feeling the fresh air lift his spirits a little. He could hear cars roaring past and it scared him a little not being able to see them. He held on tighter to Tom and listened to his brother's instructions for the steps infront of the block of flats. He reached the bottom of the flight of stairs with no problems and they started along the street. Bill could hear people walking past them, talking and laughing. It was quite busy today seeming as it was the weekend. Someone pushed roughly past him and Bill wondered if this really was a good idea after all.

"Watch it kid," a man said sharply as he banged into Bill.

"I can't," the raven-haired boy snapped back at him his anger getting the best of him. "You be more careful."

"What is that supposed to mean punk?" Bill tipped his head back, his white eyes directed towards the sound of the man's voice. "Woah shit! I'm sorry." Bill heard the man's footsteps hurry away and sighed sadly. Tom's hand rested on his, still gripping his brother's elbow, and Bill jumped, having forgotten Tom was there.

"You handled that well," the remark was casual like Tom was trying to lift their spirits. "Come on, the dairy is just round to corner." They made it to the dairy with no more incidents. "Stay here while I get the stuff." Bill didn't like being left alone in a place he couldn't see but he went with it anyway. A couple of minutes later and he could hear Tom paying at the counter. He was there for a while, talking in a low voice so Bill couldn't hear. The blind boy frowned and moved forward, intent on finding out what was taking so long.

Something sharp hit his hip and fell with a crash. Bill tripped over it and fell with a similar crash. He winced at the pain in his hip and tried to sit up. "Hold still Bill." Gentle hands untangled him from whatever it was he had knocked over and lifted him up. He hated the helplessness he felt as he was hoisted up. He stood still exactly where Tom had left him, not wanting to do any more damage. He could feel his cheeks burning at the humiliation. If he had just stayed where he was he wouldn't have been such a nuisance.

"I'm sorry," his voice sounded teary to him.

"It's fine," he guessed the deep voice belonged to the cashier. "Don't worry about it."

"Are you okay?" Tom was next to him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. What did I knock over?"

"Oh just some stands," Bill frowned at the tone in Tom's voice. It hadn't felt like some stands, more like a box. "Just stay here for a moment while I finish paying okay?" Bill winced and nodded, his other thoughts disappearing at the traces of annoyance he could hear in Tom's voice. He had never felt like such a burden before.

They walked back to the flat quickly, neither of them saying anything. Bill couldn't shake the feeling that something about the 'dairy' was wrong. He was sure that that hadn't been a stand. And the tone in Tom's voice had confused and hurt him. Tom had never got annoyed with him since the accident, not once. Why did he get angry then and why was he trying to get back to the flat so quickly? Bill was almost jogging to keep up with him and it was scaring him, moving so quickly to somewhere he didn't know.

They turned off the pavement and Bill only just remembered the steps, tripping a little on the first couple. He was angry now that Tom hadn't told him to watch the steps but there was no stopping his brother. As soon as they were in the elevator he let go of Tom and turned towards him.

"What the heck is going on Tom?" Bill could hear his brother breathing hard as though they had been doing hard exercise. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Tom's voice came out like he was speaking through gritted teeth. "I'm sorry I can't talk right now." With perfect timing the elevator slid to a stop. Tom hurried out, leaving Bill to find his way by following the sound of his brother. The blind boy only just made it to the apartment door before it swung shut. He made his way in and shut the door carefully behind him. He was relieved to be back somewhere he knew but he could feel an unchecked anger rising in him. How could Tom just leave him like that? Why was he acting so strange?

"Tom!" He shouted into the darkness. "Tom, where are you?" Silence answered him. Then footsteps and a door he knew to be for his brother's room, slammed shut. Bill made his way to the recently closed door, carefully avoiding anything he might knock over. He knocked on the door. "Tom?"

"Go away Bill," the words hurt the raven-haired boy but he didn't let Tom know it.

"Why won't you talk to me Tomi?" There was a stretch of silence this time; a long hesitation before Tom spoke again.

"Not now Bill, just leave me alone."

"Fine," he gave a defeated sigh. He walked to his room and collapsed on his bed. Despite his effort he couldn't stop the tears from leaking out from his sightless eyes. Once the first tear fell there was no stopping the sobbing. He just couldn't understand what was happening to his brother. He was losing his Tomi and he was helplessly unable to do anything.

**§s×e§**

Bill had his eyes squeezed tightly shut as he pictured the images on screen. Georg and Gustav had brought back Bill's favorite movie, knowing that he could remember the entire thing. He was listening to the sounds and building the pictures from memory. He found that doing the work could keep his mind off the fact he couldn't see.

"Hey Bill," Gustav was sitting to the blind boy's left. "Do you know where Tom is? He hasn't come down yet." Bill didn't answer just shook his head. "Weird."

"I'll go find him," Georg offered.

"No," Bill shook his head fervently. "I'll go." The G's didn't argue. Bill stood up and made his way to the door. He trailed his hand along the sofa and then transferred it to the corridor wall. He had found that it was easier to move around with his hand on a solid surface. He followed the wall and then stopped, suddenly unsure. He would feel stupid knocking as he normally just walked in but with Tom being so weird he thought it was probably a better idea to knock. He hoped Tom had calmed down. No one answered his first knock so he tried again.

"Who's there?" his brother's voice came through the door with that dreamy edge back again. At least he didn't sound angry anymore.

"It's me," no answer. "Why didn't you come down to watch the movie?"

"I was busy," Bill frowned. What would Tom be doing that he couldn't tell Bill? They always told each other everything, even before they admitted they loved each other. He hadn't moved on had he? Bill felt a chill run through him. Surely Tom wouldn't be disgusted enough by Bill's hideous features to leave him? Maybe he had a girl with him in there. Bill had to struggle to keep his breathing and voice steady.

"I'm coming in," without waiting for a reply he stepped into his brother's room, wrinkling his nose at the stale air. The sound of frantic movement and crinkling plastic bags met his ears. "What are you doing?" The crinkling paused as a draw opened. The bag was stuffed hurriedly inside then the draw closed again.

"Nothing," Bill clearly heard the lie in Tom's voice. "Just clearing stuff up." Bill didn't want to argue in fear of angering his brother again. He couldn't stop his previous doubts creating thoughts inside his head. Had Tom been stuffing away some groupie's clothes? Was she still in the room with them? He listened carefully but heard no one but his twin.

"Are we alone?" He dared to ask his brother angrily curious as to whether he would lie to him again.

"Of course," no lie.

"Good," Bill took a deep breath and pushed his paranoid thoughts to the side. "What's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Bill could hear the apprehensive tone in his brother's voice.

"I mean what is going on? You've been so weird lately and I just wondered if there was something wrong asides from my face of course." Bill bitterly added the last words determined not to cry over the truth infront of Tom.

"There's nothing wrong," lie.

"Don't lie to me," Bill's voice was dangerously low as he let his building anger at being lied to over and over again, flow into his voice. "I'm sick of the lies."

"I don't lie to you," he gritted his teeth and willed himself not to start shouting.

"That was a lie too." Not enough will damn it. "You didn't use to lie to me. Now that I'm blind you think that you are allowed to bullshit me or something? Fucking think again Tom." He spun around and paused in the door frame, ignoring the strangled sounds coming from behind him. "And while you're thinking, ask yourself if you would really care if I died now that I'm like this." The door slammed behind him, a thunderclap that blocked the sound of Tom shouting his name. He returned to the living room and tuned back into the movie, comfortably placed on the couch.

"Tom?" Gustav dared to ask despite the anger in every movement the raven-haired teen made.

"He is busy," Bill said haltingly. "He is not coming down."

"Okay," the G's knew it wasn't a good idea to press for more information and turned back to the movie. They had been watching/listening for an hour before Bill heard Tom's door open. He listened as his twin came down into the room and sat down gingerly beside him. No one said anything concentrating on the movie and pointedly ignoring the rising tension in the room.

"I'm sorry Bill," Tom's voice was quietly sincere but the blind boy could still hear the dreamy edge he was starting to hate. "I really am." Bill didn't reply. Instead he stood up and walked out of the room, aware of the three pairs of ears that followed him. He knew that Tom wasn't lying that time but he couldn't expect Bill to forgive him that easily. He had to show that he meant it. Besides, there was something about that dreamy tone that disturbed Bill. It was as if Tom wasn't fully aware of what was going on or what he was saying. Tom may have ithought/i he was sincere but did he really ibelieve/i what he said?

Bill was sitting on his bed now having made his dark way back to his room. He raised his hands to his face, letting the pads of his fingers run over the same remains of the scars and the lids of his sightless eyes. He always did the same thing when he was alone, as if he could somehow will back his sight. How he hated to live in this colorless wasteland of a world. He was so tired of opening his eyes to see nothing but darkness. He had always loved the night but eternal night was just too much for him.

If only they hadn't asked for fireworks that day and the firework hadn't gone off wrong and the tech hadn't tried to fix it and if only he had pushed Tom out of the way. No! He shouted at himself silently. Living in a world of darkness was better that living in a world without his soul mate. Bill lay down and tried to sleep, desperately pushing the one thought out of his mind: Did ihe/i truly believe what he was saying, or was he trying to convince himself?

**§s×e§**


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER FIVE

_Six Years Old_

_Bill threw the leaves in the air again, laughing as they scattered around the garden. He couldn't help the joy of seeing them coat the crisp grass. The orangey-brown of the autumn leaves perfectly complemented the fresh green of the grass. He raked them together again his loathing of raking outweighed by the fun he was having. He grasped an armful of leaves and threw them directly above him. He twirled in circles as the leaves fell around him._

_Tom watched his brother twirling, again struck at how beautiful he looked. The leaves were like the confetti that surrounded royalty and surely Bill was royalty. Only someone that gorgeous and graceful could be royal. And he was so perfectly innocent. Tom felt his heart soaring with the leaves, lifted up by Bill but, unlike the leaves, his heart didn't fall._

_Bill stopped spinning to look at his brother. He drank in the sight of Tom sitting on the porch stairs, leaves still swirling infront of his vision. He started to turn again but this time he couldn't find the beauty in the falling leaves. He closed his eyes and the image of Tom jumped into his mind. Suddenly everything was beautiful._

_10 Years Old_

_The boy laughed again as the small body fell to the ground with a cry of pain. The group of children that formed a ring around the two all laughed along mechanically. The boy viscously kicked the limp body on the ground. The raven-haired boy just lay there as the abuse continued, both verbal and physical. He wished it would stop but he didn't do anything; what could he do? The other boy was bigger and stronger than he was and he was popular. The other kids would side with the boy to save their own asses from a beating._

_If only Tom hadn't been sick. When Bill had his brother with him he was safe. Tom would always fight to protect him and they knew it. If his brother was with him he was left alone because no one messed with Tom. The first time anyone had beaten Bill, they had come to school the next day with a broken nose, black eye and various abrasions; they had apparently fallen over. No on even looked twice at Bill after that… until now. _

_They had cowardly attacked him when he was weakest. He had been walking through the playground, walkman pumping music into his ears. He hadn't heard them creep up behind him. The next thing he knew he was on the ground and in pain. He could see his walkman from where he was, scratched but otherwise fine. He focused his attention on it, distracting his mind from the pain. If only he had his Tomi with him._

_16 Years Old_

_The press was crowding the streets on every side, outnumbered only but the steadily growing number of fans. Bill groaned as he watched from the relative safety of the tourbus. "You cannot be serious." The rest of Tokio Hotel were thinking much the same but David just nodded his head insistently. "Go out there? Even though we have just had two interviews and a photo shoot?"_

"_Look, I'm sorry but we need to keep our status up," David wasn't bothered to hide the exasperation in his voice at the 'diva' of the band. "Just one last thing today then you can rest. We can even check into hotels tomorrow." Bill brightened slightly but not much. David winced with guilt as he once again saw the bags under the four boy's eyes but he didn't back down._

_Tom gave in first. "Fine," he turned to his brother. "Come on, it'll be quick." He placed a hand on Bill's arm. "Quick and then we can just sleep."_

"_Promise?" Bill asked with that adorable pout. Tom smiled lovingly at his twin and the others in the bus looked away, uncomfortable suddenly although the scene was nothing new._

"_I promise, okay?" Bill nodded and Tom rubbed his arm reassuringly. They would take it on together as always. Bill stepped of the bus. Flashing cameras, screaming girls, paper waving infront of his nose along with microphones. He took a deep breath and felt his brother's voice beside him. He took comfort from his brother's presence and felt ready to take on the worst they would throw at him._

Bill woke, gradually extracting himself from his sleep-induced memories. His eyes took in the dark world but for once he didn't feel devastated. He knew the answer to his question now. He wasn't trying to convince himself; he did believe what he thought. He did need his Tomi.

**§s×e§**

"Bill?" The blind boy tipped his head up at the unusual distress he could hear in Georg's voice. The bed dipped as his friend lowered himself down beside him. "We have a problem." The words were ominous.

"What kind of problem?"

"A David kind of problem," Bill didn't hold back his groan. "Yeah."

"What is it?" The was no answer. "Georg?"

"It's bad," the was obvious resentment in his voice. "I'm not going to tell you though. David is waiting in the living room to talk to you, alone."

Bill swallowed. "Okay." He followed Georg out the door. He couldn't shake the feeling that talking to someone like his manager was like going back to the world. He unconsciously tipped his head forward, feeling his hair slid across his face. He knew that the scars were almost completely gone but he still hated people looking at his eyes. He could feel their gazes burning holes in his face. He felt bile rise in his throat and realised that wasn't a good way to describe their gazes. He quickly sat down on one of the couches

"Hello Bill," David's voice came from the couch infront of him. "How are you?"

"Cut the crap David," Bill had become increasingly more annoyed at the way people tended to beat around the bush when talking to him. "What do you want?"

"The record company have decided that it is in the band's best interests to find a new vocalists," Bill felt his stomach flip nauseously and thought maybe beating around the bush was a good idea.

"W-what?"

"We have been trying a few and there are some promising applications-"

"What are you talking about?" Bill's hands clenched into fists at his side. "I'm blind not mute. I can still sing. The scarring has almost gone and the doctor says it will have disappeared in a couple of weeks even if my eyesight doesn't come back.

"Bill that's not the point," David sounded tired and stressed. "I'm sure you can still sing but can you still perform? We would have to have barriers up at the font of the stage to stop you falling off. On the red carpet we would have to have someone with you at all times. On stage the other band members would have to be careful and watch you all the time." Bill heard material crumpling and could imagine David rubbing his face with his hands. "It would be so difficult to organize. I'm sorry Bill but I can change what the record company has said." Bill felt all the fight flow out of him at the manager's words. They were true. He would be so hard to take care of.

"I'm sorry that I am such a burden," He stood up ignoring David who stood also, trying to apologise. "I will leave the flat tomorrow." Suddenly he wrapped his arms around the unsuspecting manager hugging him fiercely. Without another word he swept out of the room and returned to his bed to once again weep alone.

**§s×e§**

Bill grabbed another sweater and stuffed it into his suitcase, stumbling when he tripped over something on the ground. He stopped and looked up as he heard the heavy footsteps of his brother enter the room. They hadn't been in the same room together since last night and Bill couldn't help the intense need to be back in his brother's arms. He held himself back though, unsure of what his brother wanted.

"Hey Bill," Tom's voice was soft. "I-uh- I really am sorry Bill. I-"

"You have nothing to be sorry for anymore," Bill smiled hesitantly. "I've already forgiven you Tom." He gave a squeak of surprise as he was engulfed in a tight hug. He instinctively relaxed into his twin's embrace, inhaling Tom's individual scent. He brother pulled him even closer and pressed a kiss into the black hair. Bill felt safe again. This was where he was meant to be, here in his brother's arms. The a thought brought his safe haven crashing down upon him. He wasn't going to see Tom anymore. Whenever Tokio Hotel went on tour Tom would be with them.

"Tomi," Bill whispered the name brokenheartedly into his brother's oversized t-shirt.

"What Bill?" When the blind teen didn't reply he was pushed away from Tom and he could feel Tom's eyes scrutinizing him. "What's the matter?" A strange gasp. "Why are you packing? Where are you going?"

Bill moved away from his twin and continued packing. "The record company is replacing me."

"What the fuck?" Tom's voice was an outraged shout. "They can't do that. You're part of the band. They can't just throw you out. I'll talk to them." The sound of flesh hitting flesh made Bill stiffen and shiver. He may have forgiven him but his older brother still scared him, especially when he was so different like this.

"Actually they can Tom," he raised his voice as his brother tried to argue. "And they are right. I have become nothing but a burden to the band. It's time I moved on." The words hurt but he spoke them with whatever dignity he had left.

"No!" Tom's voice was still raised but he sounded unsure of himself. "No, they can't do that." Bill sighed and stood making his way to his brother. He rested his hand on his twin's angry face, instantly feeling the tension in his body that heightened slightly at his touch.

"Tom there is nothing either of us can do about this," Tom's flinch was so small Bill almost didn't sense it. "Maybe it is for the best. I will move out of the apartment and learn to live in this place I am stuck in." Bill's heart was slowly shattering with every moment that passed but no tears came to his eyes. He had cried so much he didn't think he could produce fresh tears again. "Maybe we both need to move on." Tom's body swayed and his hand seemed to be grabbed desperately at something. "What are you doing?"

The movement stopped and a tear-laden voice spoke. "N-nothing." The lie dissolved in the tears but Bill could still hear it. He quickly stuck his hand in the pocket that Tom had been scrabbling at. His fingers closed around a small plastic bag and he pulled away, holding his find in his hand. He moved backwards trying not to trip over anything, prodding the bag in his hands. "Bill, give that back." Tom's voice was low and dangerous, coming closer but Bill backed away.

"What is this Tom?" He squeezed the bag too hard and gasped as it exploded, showering his hands in a fine powder. He brushed it off as that sickly scent hit him. A memory that had been purposely forgotten was cruelly shoved infront of his eyes. His mother was leaning over the table, breathing deeply. She stood white powder round her nose and a dreamy look in her eyes. The smell hung thick in the room like a heavy blanket hiding a terrible secret. She spoke with a dreamy edge to her voice… just like Tom's. Bill sunk to the floor, gasping for breath as he realised what the powder was. Drugs, Tom's drugs. "Why?"

"Bill-"

"How could you?"

"It's nothing. I had to-" The same thing Simone had said.

"NO! Shutup Tom!" Bill found himself on his feet standing tall infront of his brother. "How the fuck could you take this shit after seeing what it did to Mom? How could you lie to me every time I asked if everything was all right? I can not fucking believe this."

"I-"

"Why?" No answer was forthcoming. Bill felt his heart rip in two, releasing his love and turning it to anger. Without hesitation he slapped his twin hard. "Fuck you Tom." Bill turned his back on his twin. "Get out."

"W-what?" Bill flinched at the tears in his brother's voice but he held steady, his twin's betrayal stabbing the knife deeper and twisting it cruelly.

"Get the fuck out of my life." Bill heard the footsteps leaving his room. He wanted to scream at Tom to come back and to hold him, kiss him but the smell that still lingered stopped him. "Don't try and find me. It's time for me to move on." He heard the door slam but not before he heard a sob. That sound brought him to his knees in the darkness that had descended as his twin left for the last time. He knelt there on the shattered remains of his life and the tears he never thought would fall soaked the grave of his dreams.

**§s×e§**


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SIX

**§s×e§**

Bill woke slowly, the effects of the gas still making his head spin. The rancid smell of the small room hit him again. When he had first entered the building he had almost turned his back and left but he hadn't left.

"Please lie still Mr. Kaulitz," that deep voice with the heavy American accent reached him from the darkness to his right. "You are still woozy from the sedative."

"Did it work?" There was a silence that scared Bill. His happiness was hanging in the balance and he could feel it bearing on him. "Please, tell me."

"I don't know," Bill slumped back. "I don't think so. I'm sorry sir. There is a small chance but we don't want to raise false hopes. Your eyes _were_ very badly damaged." If Bill's heart wasn't already broken it would have shattered. The last person who could possibly do it, according to the pamphlet his brother had sent him, couldn't. He could hear the fake sympathy in the man's voice and knew he would feel sick at the look he was giving. The darkness was almost his friend now. He laughed harshly at the bitter thought, scaring the man into silence.

The sound of his brother's voice drifted though his mind. It had no complete image to accompany it but still it had been all that had kept Bill alive in the long years that had passed. How he had longed to add an image to the sound and when Tom had tried to fix him he thought he would be able to find that image. Now his last chance had slipped away. He laughed again, a cold, hollow sound empty from despair. The man had long ran for the door and so he should. Maybe they should be scared of him.

**§s×e§**

Tom stepped out of the tourbus into the hot Munich sun, subtly stretching his sore limbs after being stuck in the cramped bus. The streets were packed with fans screaming as Tokio Hotel descended from the bus. Tom grinned at Gustav and Georg. They all turned to look for Alex. He came down the stairs, smiling that smile that sent the fans wild. Secretly Tom thought that Alex's smile was nowhere near as beautiful or stunning as Bill's. He felt his heart ache at the thought of his brother. Five years had passed since the night Bill had told him to get out his life and he hadn't seen his baby brother and everyday Tom died a little more. Soon he was going to be nothing but a shell filled with anguish and despair.

"Come _on _Tom," Alex called. "We need you here. The fans are getting pissed." The 23 year old sighed and turned round, plastering a smile on his face. When Bill was thrown out of the band there had been an uproar. Nobody wanted a new singer in the band. The fans everywhere loved Bill. The only thing that stopped half of them from giving up on Tokio Hotel was the other Kaulitz twin, Tom. Tom didn't want to stay in the band, the memories were too painful but he couldn't do that to Georg and Gustav. No matter what happened they were still his friends and he wasn't going to stab them in the back like he did to Bill. Tom shivered at those words. How could he have done that to his brother? The drugs were long gone now and they were never going to come back. His smoking had gone with it, remembering how Bill was always saying that smoking was bad for you.

Bill. That name was like chocolate to him. So beautiful and smooth, so sinful but every time he tried to say the name it melted on his lips and he swallowed it back down. Bill lived in him now and no where else. No one in the band mentioned the gorgeous boy anymore. Alex had made the mistake of talking about him once and Tom had knocked him out. It had quickly become very clear that speaking about Bill was taboo and you would answer to Tom if you broke the unspoken rule. Not even the G's dared to think about their ex-singer.

Another groupie flashed here boobs and Tom obediently signed the exposed flesh. Of course he meant nothing by the wink he gave her, nothing he did to the groupie's ever did. Yes, he would fuck them and tell them he loved them but none of that meant anything. It only meant it when he was with Bill but he was gone now and so nothing Tom did meant anything.

The Fans were satisfied for now and the band headed towards the entrance to the huge theater they were playing in in an hour. The band routinely split, each of them heading to their dressing rooms. Tom entered his and closed the door, leaning back heavily on it. The calendar on the wall screamed the fact he had been avoiding all day. 1st of September. His birthday, his and his twin's birthday. He shouldn't be alone right now. He should be celebrating with his brother, laughing and joking. He should be happy but in that last five years that had passed he was only happy when he playing his guitar and even then only if he was playing the songs that he and Bill had written. He should be opening presents and throwing parties but he hadn't had a present in five years. Such a small thing as getting a present or having a party seemed painfully wrong without Bill at his side.

Tom wondered how he was still living.

He opened his wallet and took a deep breath before looking at the treasured photo he took everywhere with him. It was a photo that no one else had ever seen, not even Bill. It had been taken two days before the night that had brought his world crashing down. In the photo he was sitting on a couch, one arm wrapped tightly around Bill's waist, the other holding the camera. Bill was lying back on Tom's chest with his head tucked under Tom's chin. He was smiling that beautiful smile that melted Tom. Two pairs of identical brown eyes looked up at Tom from the photo. One pair was as empty as his heart but the other pair smiled at him, the love from the picture somehow still alive. Tom wished those eyes would look at him now.

"Tom," Georg called from the outside the guitarist's dressing room. "Five minute warning." Tom didn't reply lost in the photo he held. It wasn't abnormal. Before the start of every concert he locked himself in his dressing room not talking to anyone, instead just staring at the photo. The rest of the band just left him to his own devices.

Five minutes passed and a knock on the door pulled Tom from his memories. "Yeah, I'm coming. I'll be out there in a second." He took a last lingering glance at those eyes then closed his wallet and shoved it in his pocket. Time to put the smile on and play those songs that meant nothing to him. He had flat out refused to play their old songs if Bill wasn't singing and so now they played songs that Alex wrote. Empty songs. They matched Tom perfectly. Empty songs for an empty heart.

**§s×e§**

The concert had been the same as every other. Tom had acted just as they had expected him to. He flirted with the groupies and let Alex dance closer to him but never as close as Bill was allowed. He had acted to the best of his abilities and now he was done but unfortunately the fan weren't. David had asked them to do a post-concert signing. Tom had been tempted to refuse but then again it would keep his mind off depressing subjects.

"Happy birthday Tom!!" Another groupie screamed the repeated phrase at him and thrust a letter his way. He mechanically smiled and accepted it. He had so many letters now all of them saying different things. People of course assumed he would never read the letters but he did. He read them because, like the signing, it kept his mind off other things.

"Okay boys," David appeared at their side. "You can wrap it up now." Tom nodded and abruptly left as he always did, leaving his band mates to 'wrap it up'. He headed back towards his dressing room, knowing that Saki would come and find him when the tour bus was ready to leave.

_Hey Tom!!_

_My name's Becky. I'm like your band's #1 fan. I have every CD and DVD you ever released and two copies of the ones with Bill. I'm so sorry about what happened to him._

_Guess what! I have an entire room covered in posters of you. Yeah you. I love you so much!! Your smile is so gorgeous. We like totally should met up some time. I live in Munich so like give me a call if you're lonely. My number's at the bottom._

_Anyway, I'm sooooooooo happy you read this._ 

_I love you Tomi!!_

_From Becky._

It was the same thing in every letter but somehow he didn't mind. Each one was yet another person in the world who loved his band. Sometimes he wondered if they didn't really love the band but just loved him but the way that some of them wrote the letters made him certain that wasn't true. He put the recently read letter down and picked up a new one.

_Tomi,_

_You fixed me. You don't know how but I'm fixed now._

_I love you_

The letter was short and to the point but it didn't surprise him. He had often received letters saying that he had somehow healed various people. Apparently he had healed a donkey once before as well and that had surprised him.

Someone knocked on the dressing room door. He frowned and glanced at the clock on his dresser. He had been in here for an hour already. The tour bus must be ready to go now. He slowly got up and went to open the door. A man his age stood there, looking at his feet.

"You fixed me Tomi," the man looked up and brown eyes met identical brown eyes. "I love you."

**§s×e§**

**Well this is the end of my first long story. I hope you liked it. I had fun writing it. Thank you for reading!!**


End file.
